i'm still in middle america. i was about to make some crack about being a middle child, but none of us is one.

i've been thinking a lot about death. my grandmother, who's 95, told me a little while ago, "old people don't have a future, they only have the past and the present." this was kind of immediately depressing to me at the time, and i kind of made her this sad face and she just looked at me and said "its true" in a very matter-of-fact manner. the past year particularly i've had this growing fear that my grandparents were going to die and i was going to forget a lot of things about them, and that i wouldn't be able to pass on the memory of how amazing they were to potential future generations. i felt this heavy weight, and that i was likely going to fuck up and drop it. this time i've spent with them now has kind of reduced that fear, in some ways. i think this is in part because i'm getting more comfortable with death (but more uncomfortable with the fact that i was uncomfortable with it to begin with), and in part because i'm figuring out some balance between beginnings, middles and ends.

i recently started meditating regularly, and while i'm sitting there, trying to clear my mind and focus on my breathing, i repeatedly catch myself thinking about the things i should be doing instead of actually doing them. and therein lies the problem.

i don't know how much of a blog writer i am, i kind of feel like i'm writing some shitty inspirational speech.